Short Christmas Jokes - Holiday Jokes - 2009 New Year Jokes

Rude Birthday Jokes - It was 2008 Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

Q: What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
A: Santapplause!

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!

Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws!

Q: Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
A: Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: What would you get if you crossed one of Santa's helpers with the King of Rock 'n' Roll?
A: Elfis Presley!

Q: What is Santa's favorite American state?
A: Idaho-ho-ho!

Q: What would you have if Santa brought you a kitten and a puppy?
A: A meowy Christmas and a happy New Year!

Q: What do Santa's helpers make the day before Christmas?
A: Eight dollars an hour plus time and a half for overtime!

Q: What goes "Ho-Ho-Ho-Swish"?
A: Santa drilling a jump shot!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of Santa."
The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrophobic."
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The 2009 New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.

At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.

He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."

The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."
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A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked...

"A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid...

"A bottle of scotch?"

"His employees replied again, "No."

Finally the boss asked...

"I give up. What is it?"

His workers responded, "A puppy."

Birthday jokes can make a really nice Birthday gift for your loved ones also. You can either buy a nice birthday joke book from the market or if you are planning to gift a personalized birthday present to your near and dear ones then you can make your own birthday jokes book also. Here are certain nice and clean birthday jokes, which you can unhesitatingly add in your birthday joke book.

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."

"That's right." "Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake." "Well, today is his birthday."

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .' and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.

'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm lost!'
What did you get for your birthday?
Another year!